(Estimated Reading Time for Part IV: 10 minutes)
I live in southern Arizona, just 20 minutes north of Mexico, where national forests are actually national desert lands. Our landscapes portray rolling desert mountains, various types of cactus, long grasses, mesquite trees, and copious amounts of rocks and sand. Our mountains are home to lizard, spider, snake, javalena, deer, wildcat, a few bears, and a host of other beings. They also harbor routes of transit between Mexico and the US and are well-traveled by Hispanic workers, immigrants...and some illegal operants.I embarked on my vision quest knowing that I have the opportunity to journey deep inside myself to explore my shadowy jungles, dark caves, and deep pools of my emotions, beliefs, fears, and gifts. As I prepared for my journey, I discovered two main fears related to it:
- my fear of close encounters with large wild animals, and
- my fear of interacting with drug runners.
In preparing for my journey I specifically envisioned encounters with wild animals. I wanted to see what was lurking in my subconscious, so I crafted encounters with wildcats, mountain lions, and bears. Interestingly, instead of seeing visions of animals attacking me (which was my primary fear), I kept seeing myself standing silently about 10 feet away from a bear or wildcat, our eyes engaged, observing one another. In each vision I looked into their eyes for 10-30 seconds before the vision dissolved. In some visions I simply observed, listened, and even attempted to communicate telepathically. In other visions I felt uncertain and moderately frightened - not knowing what would happen next. Sometimes I found myself wondering, "is it wise to make loud noises and wave my arms, to encourage this being to leave?", "What will I do when we move from this eye-embrace - and what will they do?" I was never attacked in my visions, and I also did not see how each situation turned out. Did we communicate? Did the animal react in any way? Did they walk away, run, lose interest...?
In each vision I remained silent. After a few visions of this nature, I realized that my fear was more about not having an escape route, and feeling doomed if the animal decided to attack. After all, they were only 10 feet away and much faster and stronger than I. After this recognition, my feelings in my visions shifted. I found myself looking into the eyes of a magnificent being, communicating, "it's okay. I am your friend. I invite you to communicate with me."
I did not recognize this at the time, and I am now realizing that it was not actually the animals that I feared - what I feared were the images and stories that I created or accepted about being attacked. I feared being harmed by animals or by other people because I believed the stories that played in my mind about wild animals and drug runners attacking or harming "intruders."
Hmmm...intruders...I recognize my opportunity for growth here. I realize that I am not an intruder on my journey. I feel a clear invitation from this land and nature, which makes me a respectful, and respected guest. Seeing myself as a guest transforms many of my fears into peace...
Back in my vision quest circle on day 1, after finally finding my space and creating my circle, I begin to settle in for the evening. I reflect on my challenges and rewards from today's adventure. I acknowledge and embrace my:
- Physical challenges of journeying to this space, which lead me to my current place of
gratitude, comfort, and rest. - Emotional challenges of trusting my choices, which guided me to my current peace and confidence.
- Mental challenges of facing some of my fears, which transformed my beliefs of fear and uncertainty into trust and safety.
- Spiritual challenges of recognizing my Divine guidance, which gifted me with trust in myself to answer my soul's call.
I sit on my sleeping bag and watch the sun set. I hear the tall waterfall splashing to my right, while a smaller fall cascades to my left. The winds are high today, and as the sun sets, the temperature drops quickly. I don my wool long johns and dress in layers. As the sun sets behind the high cliffs, the temperature drops even lower. I climb into my borrowed sleeping bag, pull my wool blanket over me, and cover myself so that only my face is open to the evening air. Thank you Santi for the down sleeping bag, and thank you Keith for the wool blanket. These two items are providing me with warmth and comfort in the evenings and especially during the cold nights. I am eternally grateful for this!
I am laying on my back, looking up at the evening sky, watching a few birds fly overhead, and listening to the repetitious splashing of the waterfall. Suddenly I hear an unexpected noise. I feel my body come to full alert, similar to when a cat hears something and comes to immediate stillness, mid-stride. "What was that?" I wonder. Maybe it will go away. I hear it again, and my body freezes again. The noise coming from the waterfall sounds as though someone, or something, is bathing or drinking in the water. I hear a good bit of splashing about, as though a man or bear is washing off and slapping his body in the invigorating, cold water. I can not see the waterfall from where I am. A large boulder blocks my view.
What do I do? I am zipped up and tied into my sleeping bag. Jumping out is not a quick or easy task. Do I act like I am not here? If I do that, what happens if or when that person or animal discovers me? I will be trapped in my sleeping bag. Okay, Krystalle - breathe. Good... Breathe again.
I slowly loosen my sleeping bag from around my head and gently begin to unzip the bag so I can gently, gradually, and quietly stand up. With all of that splashing in the waterfall, surely whomever is in it will not hear me. I slowly and quietly inch towards the edge of the boulder so I can see the waterfall. Am I crazy? I could frighten this being and cause a defensive attack! Since I am not wearing contacts, they will see me long before I see them. Is it safe to look? Am I better off not looking? Am I insane for even being here?!
That last question did it for me. I know I am not insane for being here. I know that this calling came from deep in my soul, and I know that I am safe and protected. All of this fear and worry is just creating more fear. I take a few deep, calming breaths. I feel the Earth and ask nature for support and guidance. I ask that if there is danger that I be guided and protected. I connect with my God-given strengths and allow Divine Guidance to flow through me. As I allow feelings of support and guidance to move through me, my breath steadies and I feel more confident. I slowly move to where I can see.
As I peer around the boulder, I see...the waterfall. Just the waterfall! Not a person, not a bear, only the splashing waterfall. I feel like either laughing or being angry with myself for getting all worked up for nothing. I sigh a breath of relief and smile. Of course I recognize that this has not all been for nothing. Now I know that periodically the waterfall generates sounds other than the normal splashing. This waterfall simply has a larger vocabulary than I initially recognized. When I hear what sounds like someone - or something - showering in the falls, I know that I am safe. I know that it is just the waterfall reminding me to remain peaceful and calm.
Feeling relieved, exhausted, and somewhat exhilarated, I climb back into my sleeping bag. As the sky grows darker, I relax more deeply. The waterfall splashes next to me. Then I hear it again. My breath freezes, and I move into full alert mode - for a second or two. I recognize that this is the same sound I heard just a short while ago, and that I am safe. I giggle at myself and relax again. I admit that this actually continued throughout the days of my vision quest. Each time I reacted to the sounds of the waterfall, I just reminded myself that I am safe. I breathed deeply and evenly, and I giggled.
The darkness of night moves across the canyon. I lay in my sleeping bag looking up at the sky. I watch the first few stars appear. I notice that I see fewer stars than I would if I had my contacts in. I also notice that I still connect deeply with the stars, the planets, celestial bodies, and the nighttime sky. I am surprised that I am not asleep yet. My body is tired and my mind is peaceful, yet I am not sleeping.
As the night matures, I watch the stars move across the sky. I see two bright stars aligned on top of each other to the right of my viewing field, and two bright stars aligned in a diagonal to the left. I close my eyes. When I open them, I see that the diagonal stars have now moved to where the aligned stars were. This happens several times throughout the night. I now have an approximate way of tracking time at night. I feel connected to indigenous ancestors, tribes, and cultures. I feel an understanding of how they connected with nature both during the day and at night. The night sky holds many wondrous gifts. I feel a special connection and recognition with a part of myself that is ancient. I know that I hold ancient knowledge and wisdom within me. I feel this activating as I connect with the stars and planets.
My eyes are closed as I fully feel my connection with the Universe. Suddenly I open my eyes. I feel they are opened partly by me and partly by another power - not by force; rather by strong invitation. At the exact moment that my eyelids open and my eyes focus, I see a brilliant shooting star. I feel an expansive feeling of gratitude and blessings. Thank you! I feel
an intimate connection, one that bridges time, space, and form. I feel a connection with the rhythms and cycles of the universe. I feel God. I witness and receive a gift that comes simultaneously from deep within me and far beyond me. I am aware of my body, of my presence on this planet, and I am aware of so much more in this moment. This is one of the times that words fall short of creating a complete representation. I invite you to breathe, allow yourself to journey to this place that bridges time, space, and form, and feel it for yourself - feel the openness, expansion, the wonder, and beauty. Enjoy. Stay tuned for Part V: Do You See What I See?
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